The Dark Side of ‘Righteous’ Parenting: From Ruby Franke to Religious Trauma Recovery

Breaking the cycle of religiously-justified abuse and finding healing through conscious parenting

When Ruby Franke's 12-year-old son escaped through a window and sought help from a neighbor in August 2023, the Mormon mommy-vlogging world was shaken to its core. The emaciated child, found with duct tape on his ankles and wrists, exposed a dark reality behind the perfect façade of the "8 Passengers" YouTube channel. But for many of us raised in high-demand religious environments, particularly within Mormon culture, this story struck a deeper chord.

The Pattern of 'Righteous' Abuse

I lived with fear as the primary soundtrack of my childhood, from morning prayers to bedtime devotionals. Every day was an exercise in hypervigilance – monitoring my father's mood swings, calculating the tension in our home, and developing the survival skills needed in a dangerous environment disguised as righteousness.

The belt or switch wasn't just a tool of discipline; it was framed as an instrument of salvation. "This is for your own good," they'd say, genuinely believing that physical punishment would keep us on the righteous path. We were expected to be miniature adults, bearing adult responsibilities while being denied adult dignity. My mother, bound by patriarchal authority, could not intervene. This wasn't just parenting gone wrong – it was systematic abuse justified through religious doctrine.

The Divine Authority Chain

In Mormon culture, this pattern of abuse often stems from three core beliefs:

  1. Parents are divinely appointed stewards over their children's eternal salvation
  2. The "natural man" is an enemy to God and must be overcome
  3. Obedience is the first law of heaven

When combined with the concept of eternal families, these beliefs create an impossible weight of responsibility. Ordinary parenting decisions become matters of eternal consequence. A child's choice to wear a tank top or drink coffee isn't just a behavioral issue – it's framed as a threat to their eternal salvation.

The Ruby Franke Case: A Mirror to Cultural Issues

The Ruby Franke case exemplifies how these beliefs can escalate to extreme abuse. Her YouTube channel, with over 2.5 million subscribers, openly displayed concerning parenting practices:

  • Denying children food as punishment
  • Removing bedroom doors and furniture
  • Using extreme exercise as discipline
  • Isolating children from peers

All these actions were justified through the lens of righteous parenting and character building. The fact that these behaviors were publicly broadcasted and initially supported by many viewers demonstrates how deeply normalized such abuse can become within religious communities.

Breaking Free: My Journey to Conscious Parenting

When I became a parent myself, despite being already separated from Mormonism, I faced a terrifying question: How do you parent lovingly when you've never experienced it yourself? The fear of repeating the cycle was overwhelming.

My transformation began with discovering the Love & Logic parenting program. It offered a complete paradigm shift:

  • Discipline without harm
  • Choices instead of commands
  • Empathy replacing fear
  • Natural consequences over punishment
  • Learning opportunities instead of sin

This approach wasn't just different from my upbringing – it was revolutionary. It proved that maintaining authority doesn't require breaking spirits, that teaching doesn't require trauma, and that discipline can be rooted in love rather than fear.

The Path Forward

In February 2024, Ruby Franke was sentenced to up to 30 years in prison. During her sentencing, she admitted to torturing her children while believing she was doing God's will. Her daughter Shari's memoir, "The House of My Mother," further illuminates the devastating impact of religiously-justified abuse.

For those recognizing these patterns in their own lives, here are crucial steps toward healing:

1. Acknowledge the Impact

  • Religious trauma is real
  • Your experiences are valid
  • Breaking the cycle is possible

2. Seek Professional Support

  • Find therapists who understand religious trauma
  • Connect with support groups
  • Explore parenting education programs

3. Build New Frameworks

  • Question harmful religious parenting paradigms
  • Learn about child development
  • Develop healthy discipline strategies

4. Create Safety

  • Set boundaries with family
  • Build support networks
  • Trust your instincts about harm

A Call to Action

The intersection of religious belief and parenting practices requires careful examination. While faith can provide valuable moral frameworks, it should never justify abuse. As more survivors speak out, we have an opportunity to break these cycles and create healthier patterns for the next generation.

If you recognize these patterns in your own life or community:

  • Reach out for help
  • Share your story
  • Support others in their healing journey
  • Report suspected abuse
  • Challenge harmful parenting practices in religious contexts

Remember: Breaking free from religious trauma isn't just about healing ourselves – it's about creating a safer, more loving world for our children.

Love,

Lyn


About the Author 

I'm curious about the price we pay for facades, both individually, and as a family. The issues of identity and loyalty, surviving or thriving, are also intriguing to me. These are themes I explore in my memoir.

Lyn Smith Gregory

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