Learn about how to overcome family estrangement after leaving the Mormon Church, or any religion or group. This true story features insights into faith crises, healing relationships, and coping strategies from Lyn Smith Gregory, a descendant of Joseph Smith, founder of the religion.
Telling my parents and family I no longer believed in my Mormon faith was one of the hardest things I had done in my young life so far. I was nineteen and away at college, where I had been challenged by an atheist professor to defend my faith. In the process of researching the Mormon faith and the church’s early origins to prepare a defense, I’d read books and materials I’d been forbidden to read for the first time. I learned that what I’d been taught and what I believed about my faith deviated from the historical facts about Joseph Smith and the beginnings of Mormonism.
I was devastated. Not only was I a true believer, but Joseph Smith was my great, great uncle. I was a Smith by lineage, by blood, and four generations of unbroken obedience and devotion. My family held a coveted position of honor and respect in The Church and community. It shattered my world. (I share my journey out of the faith in my forthcoming memoir We Were Smiths: Escaping the Shadow of Joseph Smith’s Mormon Legacy.)
My Fears about Family Estrangement after the Mormon Church
How could I tell my family I no longer believed Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, but a con artist and fraud, making the whole Mormon Church a lie?
I delayed telling them my truth until I feared that they would hear the news from The Church itself, reporting back to them that I had I stopped attending church services and the daily education classes required for college-aged members.
It was 1975, before cell phones, let alone FaceTime. I knew I’d have to deliver the news in our weekly Sunday night phone call. My parents were distraught when I broke the news, incredulous and disbelieving at first. A torrent of tears from my mother and silence from my father. Would I be welcome at home now or had I severed our family bond forever?
And I felt terribly, horribly alone in my sadness and confusion, uncertain how to maintain a connection with my family but still honor my newfound truth. I wished I knew others who had done the same thing and could learn from them how to navigate the path ahead.
Family Estrangement Due to Religious Beliefs
While this happened many years ago to me, religious based estrangement in families still represents a sizeable chunk of the reasons for all family estrangement. And family estrangement appears to be growing, not diminishing today.
Karl Pillemer, a professor at Cornell University and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, found that in 2020, 27% of Americans over the age of 18 were estranged from a family member.
Other Reasons for Family Estrangement
The reasons for family estrangement are many, not only deviating from a conservative religion, but emotional or physical abuse, a divisive divorce, and mental illness or addiction.
Political divides have further frayed family ties. In a poll conducted last October by the New York Times and Siena College, nearly one in five voters—19 percent—reported politics had upset their family relationships.
8 Tips to Heal Family Relationships after Religious
Estrangement
Despite the reasons for the estrangement, there are things we can do to heal ourselves and re-connect to our families, if that is our goal.
I want to share what I found most helpful for me in my journey to reconnect:
1. Acknowledge All Your Feelings
Take some time to acknowledge all of your feelings: sadness, anger, grief, or even relief. It can be a complex stew of emotions. I felt guilty for hurting my parents but also angry about the indoctrination of Church dogma in my childhood, which I realized had damaged my self-trust and overall sense of self.
2. Seek therapy or counseling.
A trained professional can help you navigate the complex emotions and challenges associated with family estrangement and decide what, if any, contact would be healthy for you. My therapist helped me determine what I wanted to do about the estrangement while suggesting ways to cope with feeling ostracized. Much later, when more of my brothers and sisters left the faith, my family was open to family therapy to help heal the rift between the believers and non-believers. I realize I was very fortunate that my family was willing to go to family therapy, but it took a dramatic crisis in our family to create that willingness.
3. Engage with others in support groups, in person or online
Find people who are dealing with the same concerns and challenges. I left The Church before the internet provided a wealth of forums and discussion groups; I felt very alone and wished I had a support community.
4. Create boundaries for interacting with family members
Communicate your needs and expectations with respect and gentle assertiveness. Our family decided that it was best not to discuss religion or politics at all, but to focus on common ground, what we valued and shared as a family.
5. Evaluate expectations
Examine your expectations about reconciliation or the behavior of your family members. Consider whether these expectations are realistic and consider adjusting them if necessary. Accepting the limitations of the relationship can reduce disappointment and frustration. My mother was never going to give up hoping I’d ‘return to the fold’ and become an active Mormon again.
6. Practice acceptance, empathy, and forgiveness
Try to cultivate empathy and understanding towards your family members, considering their own struggles and limitations. Forgiveness, if appropriate and desired, can contribute to your own emotional healing, but it is a personal choice and process.
7. Strengthen individual relationships with family members.
I felt closer to some of my sisters and built those relationships first. Eventually, we decided to have ‘sister retreats’ where we would gather for several days once a year without our parents or brothers, and discuss our experiences in the family, with respect and without judgement. Soon these became gatherings of fun and support for one another.
8. Make healthy friendships a priority.
While I was estranged from my family, I found support and understanding with several important friends. They were a lifeline. Some people find a ‘chosen family’, a tight group of individuals who become like family to them and provide the sense of acceptance and belonging we all need.
Recap: Family Estrangement and the Mormon Church
These suggestions are only appropriate and helpful in certain cases of family estrangement. When abuse, addiction or mental illness are involved, estrangement can be more challenging or impossible to repair. Ever situation is unique, and each person's experience of family estrangement is different, so trust your own judgment and seek professional help if needed.
Curious About Religious Estrangement and Healing Family Relationships?
Join me in my path to publication of We Were Smiths: Escaping the Shadow of Joseph Smith’s Mormon Legacy (my memoir) and be notified when it finds a home with a publisher. In the meantime, come hang out on my blog, Heretic Survivor: From Mormon to Me at: lynsmithgregory.com
