Let's talk about something that most of us are wrestling with – how to stay connected with our Mormon families when we've chosen a different path. It's messy, it's complicated, and some days it feels downright impossible. But I've learned a few things on this journey that might help you navigate these choppy waters.
Why We Still Care (Even When It Hurts)
Ever wonder why family drama hits so hard? Our brains are literally wired for connection – back in caveman days, being kicked out of the tribe meant certain death. No wonder we still lose sleep over tense family dinners!
Getting Real With Yourself
Here's a tough question I had to ask myself: Why am I still showing up to family gatherings where I feel judged? In therapy (best money I ever spent, by the way), I discovered I was subconsciously trying to prove I was still a "good person" despite leaving the church. Talk about an impossible mission! Once I saw that pattern, I could stop seeking validation I was never going to get.
What's your real motivation for maintaining these relationships? Do you enjoy spending time with your family? Is it out of a sense of obligation? No judgment – just worth thinking about.
Know What You're Walking Into
Some families handle a faith transition with grace, and others create a minefield. Take a clear-eyed look at yours. Will they spend the entire visit trying to reconvert you? Might there be passive-aggressive comments about your "eternal soul"? Or are there family dynamics that are dysfunctional even without the religion factor?
Having realistic expectations is like emotional armor – it helps the jabs hurt less when they come.
Your Boundaries Are Your Best Friends
Before you walk into that family reunion, know your non-negotiables. For me, it's "no discussing my children's religious education." For you, it might be something completely different.
Try some version of this script: "I'd love to come to Sunday dinner, but I won't be joining you for church beforehand. I respect your practices and hope you'll respect my choice too."
When You Can't Be Part of the Big Moments
One of the hardest parts? Being excluded from temple weddings, baptisms, and other milestone moments that are interwoven religious events. It stings. There's no sugarcoating it.
I found it helped to create my own own meaningful role. Host an amazing pre-wedding celebration. Be the designated photographer at the baptism after-party. Find ways to show up and contribute that honor both your relationship and your authentic self.
Build Your Lifeboat Before the Storm
Before diving back into family dynamics, make sure you have solid support elsewhere. Find a therapist who gets it. Join ex-Mormon communities (online or in-person). Have at least one friend on standby for post-family-gathering decompression calls.
Trust me on this one – you'll need people who understand without explanation.
The Superpower of Caring Without Absorbing
Here's a skill worth developing: caring deeply about your family while not absorbing their judgments. Remember, their reactions come from their beliefs and fears, not your worth. When my mom says she's "mourning my eternal salvation," that's about her worldview, not my reality.
Have Your Greatest Hits Ready
Save yourself some stress by preparing a few go-to responses for predictable conversations:
- "I see things differently now."
- "That's not how I understand it anymore."
- "I appreciate your concern, but I'm at peace with my choices."
And when things get too heated, pivot to neutral territory:
- "How's work going?"
- "Tell me about your garden this year."
- "Remember that camping trip when Dad forgot the tent stakes?"
Listen Like You Mean It (Even When You Don't Agree)
Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can say is "I hear you." Not "I agree with you" – just acknowledging their perspective. "So you're worried about my children's spiritual development. I understand that comes from a place of love." Amazing how that simple acknowledgment can deflate tension.
Find Your Common Ground
Despite theological differences, you probably still share core values with your Mormon family – integrity, compassion, helping others. These shared values can be bridges when doctrinal differences create chasms.
A turning point in my family came when we all finally saw that our moral compasses still pointed in similar directions, even if we got there differently. We were more alike than we were different.
Give Grief Its Due
Both sides are grieving here. You're grieving the unconditional acceptance you hoped for; they're grieving the future they imagined for you. I had to accept that several of my sisters and I would never be as close as we once were when I was a member. That realization hurt, but acknowledging it helped me stop expecting what wasn't possible.
This is a process with no quick fixes. Everyone adjusts at their own pace.
Celebrate Every Tiny Win
The first holiday where no one mentions your "eternal soul"? Victory! A genuine conversation about your new life? Amazing! An invitation despite your non-member status? Progress!
These small moments deserve celebration because they represent real growth.
The journey toward authentic family relationships after leaving Mormonism isn't linear. Some days will feel like three steps backward. But with clear boundaries, realistic expectations, and a lot of patience, many of us find our way to new connections that honor our family relationships and our truth.
What strategies have worked for you? I’d love to hear about your experiences navigating your Mormon family. Drop me a line – we're all figuring this out together.
With love,
Lyn
