Learning to Listen to Myself First After Decades of Listening to Outside Authority

When I left the Mormon faith at the age of 19, I traded having all the answers about life for an unsettling void of no answers. Not only about the world but especially about myself. I wasn’t sure who I was without my religious beliefs, what my values were, what I thought was true, or even what made me happy or sad. When I tried to strip away all the indoctrination, I found myself lost, unmoored without the certainty of Mormon dogma. I had to learn how to discover who I was at my core, what I believed in, and how I wanted to ‘be’ in the world.

Understanding Core Beliefs

Your core beliefs are the viewpoints you have about life, others, and yourself that you have taken to be facts. Oftentimes these beliefs stem from our childhood or religious education and are passed on to us by our family, faith and community. They sound like things such as, ‘the world is a dangerous place’, ‘you have to be perfect to be worthy of love’, and ‘short skirts are immodest’. The problem with core beliefs is that until you recognize them, they run your unconscious and inform all of your decisions. And they stop you from listening to yourself, especially if who you have become runs contrary to your beliefs. It takes work to dig them out, and it often helps to work with a coach or therapist, which I did. Finding a support group or like-minded community is helpful, too.

Psychological Struggles from Not Listening to Yourself

Not listening to yourself can also lead to psychological struggles. This can include codependency, where you take your identity from pleasing others instead of taking it from who you really are. It can also involve depression, because it is draining to feel lost inside. If you don’t know your true beliefs or values and are living out ones that aren’t really a fit, you might constantly feel restless and discontent, like I did. And deconstructing religious beliefs that aren’t now true for you are especially difficult to process.

How Do We Reclaim or Discover Our Unique Self?

To identify your own values, look at your life and what choices bring you undeniable joy and
excitement.

1. Recognize the Inner Critic: Watch out for a voice in your head that sounds like a parent telling you what to do in a way that makes you feel resigned or put down. It’s rarely your true self, but instead your inner critic. It might sound like your mother or father, or another teacher or authority, if it sounds harsh or judgmental. It often speaks using terms like “should”, “must”, and “you better”, and also likes to compare you to others.
2. Ask Yourself Big Questions: Try asking yourself wild and big questions about the future to learn surprising things about yourself. For example, if money were no object, what would your perfect day look like? If you were spending a week with your perfect partner, what would you do? If you had one week left to live, how would you spend it?

It takes commitment and effort to differentiate between the things you’ve been taught to believe are facts versus what is actually true for you personally. But it’s worth the effort, because when you know how to listen to yourself, you make choices that lead towards the life you actually want, not the one you’ve been told you should want. And this inevitably lowers your stress levels and raises your self-esteem and contentment.

Actions That Help Us Discover Who We Are

1. Journal: I discovered author Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way program, which encourages a practice of writing three pages every morning, first thing, without a filter. Write down your thoughts, feelings, and worries as quickly as you can without worrying about legibility, a very stream-of-consciousness writing to discover your true voice. What are you learning about yourself with this practice, which Cameron calls Morning Pages?
2. Ask Yourself Questions: At the end of the day, you can ask yourself how your day went and note things you're grateful for, things you did well, and things you'd do differently. Twelve-step programs have a nightly practice called Personal Inventory, where you review the day and see where you could improve. I tweaked the practice slightly to fit my needs. I asked myself what was the high point of the day? The low point? Gradually, I came to understand what my pain points were and where I found joy. A good question often begins with ‘what’ or ‘how’ over ‘why’. Simply put, why questions lead down rabbit holes and to self-criticism, whereas ‘what’ and ‘how’ questions look forward and come up with solutions.
3. Meditate: Meditation apps can help you develop a practice and stick with it. Self-compassion guided meditations can help you focus on affirming prompts. Here's what I found helpful to know about meditation: It really can help change your brain, but you have to stick with it. The trick lies in learning how to sit with the thoughts you don't want. You notice them, but then you let them go, which helps loosen their hold over you. I compare my experience of learning to meditate to learning to play the piano. First, I had to practice daily, with scales and chords, building muscle memory in my hands, building  my skill before I could tackle a piano concerto. We have to train our minds in meditation before we can reap the rewards of the inner spaciousness and awareness. But it’s one of the most helpful practices I’ve learned to discover my true self.
4. Practice Mindfulness: Another incredibly effective way to burst through mind clutter and listen to yourself is mindfulness. A practice of ‘now’ moment awareness best done daily, over time you will find yourself becoming more and more efficient at being able to zone into how you are really feeling right now, beyond the worries and thoughts at the surface chatter. When strong emotions bubble up, we can get alone for a minute and ask, “What am I feeling right now?” The spilled milk is probably not the real issue; it is more likely that there is a deeper root of fear or overwhelm lurking beneath the surface.
5. Try New Things Weekly: So many of us are sure we know what we like, but really are just doing things we have been taught are the right things to like doing, or things our parents did, or our friends all do. Combat this by trying something new weekly. Try a different class at the gym, eat foreign food you’ve never tried, talk to someone you wouldn’t think you had anything in common with. Some things might be a fail, but every now and then you’ll get a buzz from something unexpected that can be a pathway to a new part of yourself.
6. Practice Self-Care Often: Just like the friends we are kindest to are the ones who trust us most, you might find that the nicer you are to yourself, the more you open up to yourself. At the very least, self-care often creates time for you to hear yourself in the first place. How can you treat yourself nicely this week? Is it a long hot bath instead of the social engagement you don’t really want to go to? At first, this felt self-indulgent and selfish, but I’ve learned that being kind and compassionate with myself leads me to be kinder and more compassionate with others, too.

One aspect of self-care is rest. Yes, pause and rest. I used to think, “Who needs rest? If I can do this, I should do it.” I finally started to listen to myself when I feel like I’m burning the candle at both ends. When I'm feeling this anxiety in my body, I’m better at stopping. I'll go for a walk. I'll sit on my couch with my dog. I'll read a novel. I'll watch a show in the middle of the day. I confess I’ve only done that a few times, but it was exactly what I needed.

Leaving a high-control religion can be a challenging process, but there are many resources and support systems available to help individuals navigate this transition. Here are some key support resources:

Online Communities and Forums

1. Ex-Mormon Reddit: A subreddit for former Mormons to share their experiences and find support.
2. Ex-JW Reddit: A subreddit for former Jehovah's Witnesses.
3. Recovering from Religion: An organization that offers online support groups, forums, and resources for those leaving various high-control religions.
4. Exvangelical: Online communities and podcasts for those leaving evangelical Christianity.

Support Groups and Organizations

1. Recovering from Religion: Provides peer support groups, a hotline, and online communities for individuals questioning or leaving their faith.
2. The Clergy Project: Support for clergy members who no longer believe in their religion.
3. Faith to Faithless: A UK-based organization supporting people who leave high-control religions, especially focusing on minority religions.
4. Journey Free: Offers resources and support groups specifically for those recovering from religious trauma.

Books and Literature

1. "Leaving the Fold" by Marlene Winell: A comprehensive guide for former fundamentalists and those leaving high-control religious groups.
2. "Breaking the Spell" by Daniel C. Dennett: Explores the nature of religious belief and how people can break free.
3. "Combatting Cult Mind Control" by Steven Hassan: Offers insights and strategies for leaving high-control groups and cults.

Counseling and Therapy

1. Therapists specializing in religious trauma: Seek out mental health professionals who have experience dealing with religious trauma and the specific challenges of leaving high-control groups.
2. Secular Therapy Project: Connects individuals with licensed therapists who use evidence-based practices and are free from religious bias.
3. Journey Free: Offers counseling and support for religious trauma recovery.

Podcasts and Videos

1. The Thinking Atheist: A podcast and community for those questioning religion.
2. Exvangelical: A podcast exploring life after evangelical Christianity.
3. Mormon Stories Podcast: Focuses on Mormon faith transitions and features interviews
   with those who have left the faith.

Websites and Blogs

1. Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF): Offers resources and advocacy for the separation of church and state, and supports those leaving religious groups.
2. ExChristian.net: A blog and community for former Christians to share their stories and find support.
3. Why We Left Mormonism: A collection of stories from former Mormons about their journey out of the church.

Workshops and Retreats

1. Journey Free Workshops: Offers workshops focused on recovery from religious trauma
   and reclaiming one's identity.
2. Recovering from Religion Retreats: Provides retreats and workshops for those
   recovering from religious indoctrination.

Local Support Groups

1. Meetup.com: Search for local support groups for former members of specific religions or
   high-control groups.
2. Secular Humanist or Atheist Groups: Many local communities have groups for secular humanists or atheists that can provide support and a sense of community.

These resources can provide valuable support, understanding, and guidance for those of us navigating the complex process of leaving a high-control religion and finding their own path.

I’d love to hear about your journey of leaving a faith and re-discovering your true self. Please leave a comment or email me at: lynsmithgregory.com. You’re not alone!