As many of you know, I'm a direct descendant of Joseph Smith and the first in my family to leave the church after four generations of dedicated Mormonism. This was really challenging, to say the least!
Since starting this journey, so many of you have reached out asking what to expect when taking this massive leap. So today, I'm sharing the real, unfiltered truth about what happens when you leave the Mormon church—stuff I wish someone had told me before I stepped into this new chapter of life.
The Social Stuff: Losing friends and family. Ouch!
Your Mormon friends and family probably won't ask why you left. Instead, they'll create their own narrative—maybe you were offended, wanted to sin, or just got lazy about following the commandments. It's frustrating, but understanding this helps you not take it personally. No one was curious about why I left. I never got asked the question: Why did you leave the faith? Or have a chance to explain my journey out of the Church.
The invisible barrier goes up immediately. One day you're "in," and the next, you're an outsider. That strong "us vs. them" mentality kicks in fast, and suddenly you're on the "them" =side of the equation. Lifelong friends acted like I had become a different person entirely, erasing our shared history together as if it hadn’t happened or wasn’t real. That hurts.
The "social distancing" is real (and not the COVID kind). Your Mormon friends might literally act like your doubts are contagious! I had people physically step back from me at community events, as if questioning the church might spread through casual contact.
Family conversations get... intense. Prepare for some version of "you're the reason our eternal family is broken now." The "forever families" doctrine creates some serious emotional leverage against those who leave. I discuss how to constructively deal with Mormon family members in other blogs, such as Healing Family Estrangement.
Church leadership might come knocking. Your experience will vary widely depending on your local leaders—some are genuinely compassionate, others, not so much. Be ready for anything from sincere concern to thinly-veiled control attempts.
The Emotional Rollercoaster
Your brain will feel like it's short-circuiting at first. Those conflicting thoughts? Totally normal. Your mind is literally rewiring itself, reconciling new beliefs with lifelong programming. It really helps to get support from a good therapist, especially one with religious trauma training.
The random guilt attacks are bizarre. The first time I ordered a drink in public, my hands were literally shaking! Even when your brain knows something isn't "wrong" anymore, your emotional responses take longer to catch up.
You'll miss parts of Mormon life—and that's okay. I was surprised by how much I missed the sense of community and the comfort of having "all the answers." Acknowledging this grief doesn't mean you made the wrong choice.
Identity crisis? Yep, that's normal too. When Mormonism has defined who you are since birth, figuring out who you are without it feels like standing in quicksand. But this discomfort leads to authentic self-discovery. What does ‘fun’ mean to me? What’s ‘my’ moral code? How do I like to dress, now that aren’t restrictions?
Your emotions will ping-pong for a while. One day you're grieving, the next you're angry, then maybe feeling betrayed or even periodically doubting your choice. This emotional cycling is part of processing religious trauma.
The Practical Stuff Nobody Mentions
Suddenly having 10% more income is nice but confusing. After years of automatic tithing, deciding what to do with that money requires intentional thought about your new values and priorities.
Your calendar empties out in weird ways. All those church commitments disappear, leaving surprising amounts of time. Finding meaningful ways to fill that space takes conscious effort.
Finding new communities takes work. Building connections outside the ready-made Mormon social structure requires putting yourself out there in new, sometimes uncomfortable ways. I didn’t know what the ‘social rules’ were in a non-Mormon setting, so I felt inept and uncomfortable.
Information overload is real. Once you allow yourself to explore church history and doctrine freely, the flood of new information can be both liberating and overwhelming.
Even small choices feel bigger now. What to wear, what to drink, which movies to watch—things that were once governed by clear rules are now personal choices requiring actual thought.
The Growth You Can Expect
Despite all these challenges, here's the beautiful part: this journey leads to incredible personal growth. After the initial turbulence, most former Mormons report:
- Finally discovering who they truly are beneath the religious identity
- Intellectual freedom that sparks curiosity and learning
- Developing a personal moral compass based on empathy rather than rules
- Building more authentic relationships based on genuine connection
- Gaining resilience that helps in every area of life
You're Not Alone
Leaving Mormonism isn't just leaving a church—it's leaving an entire worldview, social structure, and identity. But you don't have to navigate this alone. Connect with our Heretic Survivor community, check out the resources on my website, and be patient with yourself. Take good care of yourself. This is hard!
For those of you just starting this journey: what you're feeling is normal, the challenges are temporary, and there's a whole community of us who've walked this path before you. We're here, and we get it.
What part of your post-Mormon journey has been most challenging? Drop a comment below or reach out—I'd love to hear your story!
With love and support,
Lyn
