Have you ever been told to be grateful for what you have when you're struggling? To keep your chin up and adopt a more positive outlook? That everything happens for a reason or that God knows best?
These are examples of toxic positivity. It's when people insist on being happy and optimistic all the time, which can actually make things worse by ignoring and dismissing real emotions. This can be especially harmful for women, particularly in high control religious groups, where toxic positivity can be a tool for keeping people in line.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is when people feel pressured to hide their true feelings and always put on a happy face. While being positive can be good, forcing it all the time can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and worthlessness. You might blame yourself for not being able to stay happy all the time, which isn't fair or healthy.
Why It's Worse for Women
Women often feel like they have to take care of everyone's emotions around them. They might be encouraged to hide their own negative feelings and act cheerful to avoid being seen as difficult or ungrateful. This pressure is even stronger in high control religious settings, where sticking to strict rules can override personal feelings. If all the women around seem happy and content, you might wonder what's wrong with you for struggling.
High Control Religions and Toxic Positivity
High control religions, sometimes called cults or fundamentalist groups, use toxic positivity to keep members in line. They tell people to focus on the spiritual benefits of their suffering or the joy of their faith, while discouraging any expression of doubt, fear, or sadness. This creates an environment where women feel like they can't express their true selves.
Example 1: Suppressing Grief or Sadness
In many high control religions, grief and sadness are seen as signs of weak faith. Women who experience loss, like the death of a loved one or a personal tragedy, are often told to focus on the belief that their loved one is in a better place or that their suffering is part of a divine plan. If you show deep sorrow or anger, you might be told to "trust God's will" or "find joy in His plan." For example, women who miscarry might hear that their loss was "God's way of sparing them from greater pain" or that they should "rejoice that their baby is now an angel in heaven." This invalidation of their grief can lead to unresolved emotional pain and a sense of isolation.
Example 2: Enduring Domestic Abuse
In some high control religious groups, women who experience domestic abuse are often told to endure it silently and try to stay positive. The focus on forgiveness and the sanctity of marriage can pressure women to stay in abusive relationships. They might even be counseled by their bishop or pastor to stay with a "good man" or that talking about the abuse will destroy the family and a worthy man's reputation. Women might be told to pray for their husbands instead of seeking help or leaving the abusive environment. This not only endangers their physical safety but also perpetuates the cycle of abuse.
Example 3: Minimizing Mental Health Issues
Mental health struggles are often stigmatized in high control religious environments. Toxic positivity is used to dismiss or downplay these issues. Women suffering from depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions might be told to "pray harder," "double-down on reading the scriptures," or "have more faith," rather than being encouraged to seek professional help. Some religions might see mental health issues as a lack of spiritual strength or even demonic influence. Women in these communities might be encouraged to dive deeper into religious activities, believing their mental health will improve through increased spiritual devotion, instead of acknowledging the need for medical or therapeutic intervention.
Common Phrases of Toxic Positivity
You might hear these phrases that sound encouraging but actually invalidate real emotions:
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- This can imply that all suffering is part of a divine plan, discouraging people from seeking solutions or acknowledging their pain.
- "God never gives us more than we can handle."
- This can pressure people to endure more than they can bear, feeling ashamed if they struggle or seek help.
- "Just pray about it."
- This minimizes the need for practical solutions and professional help, suggesting that prayer alone should solve serious issues.
- "Look on the bright side."
- This phrase can invalidate feelings of sadness or frustration, pushing people to focus on positive aspects even when they need to process negative emotions.
- "You should be grateful."
- Insisting on gratitude can make people feel guilty for having negative emotions, even in difficult circumstances.
- "Happiness is a choice."
- This implies that feeling unhappy is a personal failing, adding to the pressure to suppress negative emotions.
The Consequences of Toxic Positivity
The consequences of toxic positivity in high control religions are significant. Women might experience:
- Emotional Suppression: Constantly hiding negative emotions can lead to depression, anxiety, and feelings of worthlessness.
- Isolation: Feeling unable to express true emotions can lead to a sense of isolation and loneliness.
- Perpetuation of Harmful Situations: Encouraging a positive attitude in the face of abuse or neglect can prevent women from seeking help.
- Erosion of Self-Identity: The pressure to conform to a positive, compliant role can erode a woman's sense of self, leading to a loss of identity and autonomy.
How to Challenge Toxic Positivity
So, what can we do to challenge toxic positivity in high control religions?
- Validation of Emotions: Be open about feeling depressed or struggling. This can encourage other women to be more transparent too. Recognize that it's okay to feel sad, angry, and frustrated—these are signals that something is out of alignment with your true self.
- Mental Health Support: Seek professional help, outside of religious counseling, to understand and manage your emotional well-being. Therapy and/or medication can be lifesaving.
- Education and Empowerment: Advocate for change in your religious community to counteract the narrative of toxic positivity and the pressure to remain silent and happy.
- Creating Safe Spaces: Find safe spaces within and outside your religious community where you can share your experiences without fear of judgment or retribution.
Conclusion
Here’s the deal–we are complex individuals. We experience pain and joy, gratitude and grief, hardship and hope. When we embrace all of our emotions, we can identify healthy ways to help us process challenging experiences in our lives. We do not avoid the uncomfortable things; instead, we realize our emotions are indicators of what we need.
We make room for feeling all our feelings while embracing the messy, hard space for the healing process. Seek out professional help to process all your emotions and find a support community that will help you validate your experiences and emotions without judgement.
Love to hear about your journey. Email me at Lynsmithgregory@gmail.com.
Please follow me on social media:
Subscribe to my email newsletter on my website at the end of this page.
