What Mormons Get Wrong About Why We Leave
the Mormon Church
Why Can’t We Have an Open Conversation About Leaving the Church with Active LDS Members?
I decided to leave the Mormon Church at the tender age of nineteen, an inevitable result of discovering the truth about Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon’s origins, and the early history of the LDS faith after much research. Ironically, I was researching the Church to defend it against an atheist professor who had challenged me in class.
I was absolutely shattered by what I learned. And I wasn’t just any Mormon. Joseph Smith was my great, great uncle and I was the envy of my Mormon friends for my bloodline connection to the famous prophet and founder of the Mormon religion. I was special, set apart, practically royalty. In abandoning my faith, I was breaking with four generations of obedience and devotion
to Mormonism in my family.
But my friends, community and The Church didn’t believe me when I said I was leaving because I couldn’t reconcile the established historical facts with the Mormon Church’s narrative about my famous relative and the early history of The Church. I had believed a lie all my life and I was devastated. But they didn’t accept that it was the reason I left.
Mormons Reactions to Leaving the Faith
The Mormons in my life reacted to my decision in several ways, reactions that soon became predictable:
The Devil Made me Do it
I was being led astray by Satan and should never have read the books and materials forbidden by The Church.
I Was Unworthy
I hadn’t been worthy enough, hadn’t properly prepared and prayed to God humbly enough for Him to confirm the truth of The Church.
Loss of Faith Was Contagious
Friends and family didn’t want to hear why I left, as if my disbelief was a virus they could catch and would then damage their own testimony of The Church.
I Was Going to Hell
I was warned about the eternal ramification of my departure from the fold. I would become a ‘son or daughter of perdition’ and cast into darkness forever.
I Just Wanted to ‘Party’
Mormon friends thought I was weak and selfish and didn’t want to live up to the strict standards of The Church, that I was seduced by the ‘pleasures of the flesh,’ i.e., I wanted to drink alcohol or engage in pre-marital sex, things forbidden by The Church.
Often I experienced all these reactions from the same person, both blame and warnings of the damnation of my soul. I tried to explain, but no one understood that I had very mixed feelings about leaving the Church, that I was sad, not just angry at being duped. I hadn’t wanted to discover the truth, but I couldn’t ignore it when it became obvious. What no one wanted to do was have an open discussion about my reasons for leaving.
My Family’s Disappointment in Me
My mother was heartbroken but believed I would eventually return to the one, true faith, a denial that lasted her whole life. My father had always encouraged me to think for myself, already starting to see in his own life the negative aspects of blind obedience to The Church, but he reacted with dismay, telling me not to ‘throw the baby out with the bathwater.’
My brothers and sisters no longer admired me or looked to me for advice. I didn’t have any moral authority, couldn’t be trusted for guidance. I was corrupted and a sinner now. It hurt; it changed the level of intimacy of our connections.
Is My Experience of Leaving the Mormon Church Typical?
A study of 3,000 people who were formerly affiliated with the LDS Church reported that 74 percent of respondents cited a disbelief in church doctrine or theology as the major reason for leaving The Church. The Ex-Mormons I know personally, or through Post Mormon forums and other Ex-Mormon organizations, confirm my own experience of leaving and how the Mormons in their lives reacted to their defection.
Many devout Mormons aren’t interested in our reasons, don’t want to discuss why we left. Of course, some ex-Mormons did have family members and friends who were interested in learning why they left and were open and willing to discuss the subject, but it’s not the norm.
When I left The Church, I didn’t try to sway other devout family members to my position. I didn’t want to hurt or anger my parents who would perceive my attempts to explain what I had learned about our great great uncle and the early Church, as ‘leading them astray.’ But none of my brothers and sisters asked me “why?” My brothers and sisters weren’t interested in
questioning the history or theology of their faith. I think they needed to believe I had been tempted by the devil to indulge in a life of full of sinful pleasures, unwilling or unable to live by the strict rules of conduct dictated by the faith. To believe otherwise created too much anxiety about their own commitment to the faith.
We Depart the Faith for a Variety of Reasons
Eventually, years later, some of my brothers and sisters also left The Church. One sister and the rest of her whole family left when her son came out as gay. He was beloved in the family as a kind, gentle peacemaker. She and her family couldn’t reconcile the Church homophobic attitudes and condemnation with the beautiful boy they experienced.
One sister-in-law left, followed by the rest of her family, after her teenage daughters showed her damaging truths about the Mormon temple ceremonies they’d found on the internet, leading her to do more investigation and research.
One still devout Mormon brother and sister-in-law can’t understand why some of their children have left the faith, but they leave the room if anyone says anything negative about The Church, unwilling or unable to listen to critical perspectives of their faith. This leaves their children with the quandary: how do we tell them why we left when there isn’t an invitation for open discussion and it’s clear they don’t want to hear negative things about The Church?
How Does the LDS Church React?
According to Mormonfaithcrisis.com, church leadership sometimes monitors the social media activity or behavior of former members and threaten them with discipline or excommunication if they speak in ways that are perceived as threatening to the church. Usually this only occurs after attempts at persuading members to return to the faith have failed. But some Ex-Mormons shared that members had expressed sadness or sympathy, rather than blame.
The Impact of Leaving on Families
Some ex-Mormons feel that The Church has robbed them of closeness to loved ones, which can lead to anger and resentment that can last a lifetime. Some ex-Mormons feel that leaving cost them relationships with their children, spouses, and the ability to enter Mormon temples to witness family events, such as weddings.
I wasn’t allowed to attend the marriages of most of my brothers and sisters as I couldn’t enter a Mormon Temple. And they couldn’t understand why being excluded hurt my feelings, after all, why would I want to attend a Mormon ceremony if I wasn’t a Mormon? I couldn’t seem to explain it to them in a way they understood.
The lack of understanding and healthy communication between Mormons and Ex-Mormons has led to permanent estrangement in families, a painful situation for all involved. I talk about my experience with this in another blog post on Family Estrangement. If you’re interested in this topic or other topics about the Mormon Church, see my blog Heretic Survivor: From Mormon to Me at: lynsmithgregory.com.
You can also sign up to be notified when my memoir, We Were Smiths: Escaping the Shadow of the Joseph Smith Mormon Legacy finds a home with a publisher and becomes available.
Let’s Connect!
I’d love to hear your stories and experiences in leaving the Mormon faith or other religions.
You can email me at: lynsmithgregory@gmail.com.
